Also, Funny or Die was good enough to run a list of Nielsen's funniest lines-- reprinted below. Thanks, Leslie.
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.
Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?Captain Oveur: I can't tell.Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor.
Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure.Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?
Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight?
Elaine: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna.
Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.
Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here?Frank: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.
Frank: We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then
Frank: Is there a ransom note?Ed: Yes, the butler found it; it was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab; they're demanding one million dollars.Frank: Why would the lab demand a million dollars?
Frank: Well, you take a big chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.
The Naked Gun movies:
Frank: I'm Lt. Frank Drebin! Police Squad! And don't ever let me catch you guys in America
Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.
Jane: Would you like a nightcap?Frank: No, thank you, I don't wear them.
Ed: You want to take a dinghy?Frank: No, I took care of that at the press conference.
Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.Jane: Goodyear?Frank: No, the worst.
Frank: I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was
Frank: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?Jane: He's Caucasian.Ed: Caucasian?Jane: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.Frank: Awfully big moustache.
Frank: This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to be thrown down; two, come on out!
Hapsburg: I don't recall your name on the guest list.Frank: That's OK. I sometimes go by my maiden name.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, that would be me. I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!
Quentin Hapsburg: Que sera sera... You do speak French, don't you?Lt. Frank Drebin: Unfortunately no, but I do kiss that way.
Frank: Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.
Frank: Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.
Ed Hocken: You might end up dead!Frank: "You might end up dead" is my middle name.Ed Hocken: What about Jane?Frank: I don't know her middle name.
Ed Hocken: We heard about you and Jane.Frank: Jane, Jane. That name will always remind me of her.