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Wednesday, March 3, 2010

This is an internet headline

This is an internet headline

This is the beginning of an internet article on any given subject, but let us stipulate that it is not about President Obama, President Bush, President Clinton, any current wars, or American Idol. Let us further stipulate that as articles go, this is one of the better ones, and people might even feel it worthy of forwarding.

This is Proposition 1, followed by supporting statements.

This is Proposition 2, followed by supporting statements.

This is Proposition 3, followed by supporting statements.

This is Random Observation 1, which seems to support the article but doesn’t. It probably should have been removed but was not, likely because the author thought its level of wit outweighed its extraneous nature.

This is the About the Author paragraph at the end, which the author likely wrote but talks about the author in third person, and calls out details about the author’s career. It may have a link to other articles the author has written, and probably ends with an extraneous but innocuous personal detail, likely about the author's pets.

This is where the article ends and comments begin.

Comment 1. I object to the article on the grounds that I am thinking right now about an unrelated but far more important topic and felt I needed to record that here. The fact that people are not more concerned about my preferred topic enrages me. Therefore the article fails.

Comment 2. I am offended by Random Observation 1. It reminds me of Hitler.

Comment 3. I am offended by Comment 2, and this reminds me of a recent President with whom I am very angry.

Comment 4. I point out a selection of words in the article above that, taken out of context, sound sexual. I end my comment with a series of letters, such as: LOL.

Comment 5. I am still angry about another article the author wrote before, and therefore argue against this article using ad hominem attacks.

Comment 6. I make an obvious comment whose sole purpose is to make me appear to be very very smart. I sprinkle in filler words like “rather” and make my sentences unnecessarily long.

Comment 7. I point out that my parents taught me better than anyone else’s parents taught them, and therefore the article fails.

Comment 8. I am offended by Comment 7’s implications of my poor parenting, and I compare him to Hitler.

Comment 9. I make comments that might be very interesting but are hard to understand because I do not use capitalization or punctuation.

Comment 10. I am a robot. I suggest that maybe everyone would prefer to look at something else, and provide a link.

Comment 11. I would like to argue some more about the President who made Commenter #3 so angry.

Comment 12. I suggest this article is a copy of a different article I remember reading. I will return and post a link if I can find it.

Comment 13. I recognize patterns in this article that make it similar to other articles I have read. Therefore I begin my comment with “This is one of those…” and describe the pattern. Therefore the article fails.

Comment 14. I was once injured or grievously offended by the author's preferred pet, and therefore the article fails.

Comment 13. I suggest that this article was a waste of time.



-Jay

8 comments:

  1. I sm offended by Allison's post, because she failed to object on some tangential point that enrages her. It's exactly the sort of thing that Hitler would do.

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  2. "This is where the article ends and the comments begin..." Hehe, that's what *she* said. LOL!!

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  3. Oh oh oh, you "rather" forgot the tourettes guy who's just randomly shouting insults!! +5 if it's done in the Queen's English!! Therefore, the article fails.

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  4. In this day and age, the internet serves not only to provide information, but also to extend our circle of influence and communication beyond the realm of the immediate, physical personal interaction. The Internet (inclusive its articles), is neither a network of "tubes" nor an "information highway." Rather, it is a nexus of interactions, knowledges, opinions, and the like. This has nothing to do, really, with your article. But my count I am Comment 6, and it was the best I could do.

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  5. Pretty good, but I find that comment #2 is always some proclamation by the user that they are the fastest reader who came upon the article before anyone else. Usually it's a single word such as "first".

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  6. I love that "First!" is rarely actually first.

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